4 Steps to Resolve Conflict and be Heard
You bottle things up, hold them in. Stew. Can't think of anything else. On the outside you seem fine, but you feel frustrated and angry. Unseen. Then all of a sudden you can't seem to hold it back any longer and all those days or weeks of brewing come to a peak: you explode. All those words, emotions etc come out. Blurb. One big waterfall. Or even hot and spraying like a volcano.
You use words you know will hurt. You feel totally lost in emotion. You can't seem to recognise yourself and the words that you had prepared in your head for ages in advance seem to be tumbling all over the place.
Why does this only ever happen if it's your partner or someone else that truly matters to you? You wanna be seen and understood. But you create a nightmare for yourself that leaves everyone drained, misunderstood and upset. I get it. I used to be like this myself. Until I learned techniques and practised.... and things changed to the better forever. And I gotta tell you, it is possible. You CAN do it. There are ways how to voice your most inner feelings to your loved ones without breaking out in tears. There is a step by step process which you can follow to express yourself in an authentic and straight from the heart way - without getting caught in the emotional whirlwind that carries you away from your original message.
“How amazing will it be, to finally feel like you are being understood and seen for who you are?”
Imagine that you are sharing something that's super important to you with your partner. You use words that give him the chance to understand where you're coming from and give him an insight of how things make you feel when they are happening like this.
You are calm and open hearted. You know who you are and that its ok to feel the way you feel. You choose words that seem to land on fertile ground and feel received. And - surprise, surprise - you have really managed to bring your point across this time! You feel understood. Valued. Seen. And connected. Wow!
This doesn't have to just be an imagination. This can be your reality, if you choose to become consciously aware of your words and choices. Like I said, there are super simple ways to start this process. One of the main ones, that I always refer back to, is non-violent communication.
Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a communication model based on four steps:
1) Observation. State what you observe, rather than making an evaluation. For example "I just saw you come home and the door slammed." versus "Don't slam the door like that!"
2) Feeling. Name the emotion that the situation is triggering in you, with the intention of enabling understanding without judgement. You can also do this for the other person, ie "It's 5pm and the show is about to start. Are you feeling nervous?"
3) Need. State the need that's the cause of that feeling. For example: "You are looking away while I'm talking to you. I feel uncomfortable because I'm looking for connection and understanding right now."
4) Request. Make a clear request to meet this need that you've just identified in the previous step, ie "Would you be willing to look me in the eye when I talk to you?"
"NVC aims to find a way for all present to get what really matters to them without the use of guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion, or threats. It is useful for resolving conflicts, connecting with others, and living in a way that is conscious, present, and attuned to the genuine, living needs of yourself and others." (from the Centre of Non-Violent Communication)
Don't get me wrong. You will need to practise. It's not easy to change old patterns and learn new ways. I still get caught in emotions sometimes. But if you practise, it will become easier. Once you've got the hang of it, this way of expression will become second nature.
And how rewarding will it be, to finally feel like you CAN express yourself in an authentic way that actually gets received just in the way you intended it to be?! How amazing will it be, to finally feel like you are being understood and seen for who you are? This is priceless. It certainly changed my life. And today I'd like you to benefit from this great tool for expression too.
Do you tend to bottle things up? Or blast them out when you feel or think something? If you’d like to get ongoing support (post spiral), feel free to reach out and get all the details about my current group + 1:1 options.